Holding On
by JenLea
Summary: The immediate aftermath of the loss of a baby. Prequel to Head On. Deals with Infant death. *Warning*
1. Chapter 1

Holding On

Disclaimer: You recognize them, I don't own them

On the night the baby died, it rained.

This one little fact is the only thing Spencer Reid knows for sure in the nightmare that's been the past day and a half.

It's really all been one big blur. Sure, some parts stand out. Waking up to his partner's horrified screams. The loud wail of the police sirens as they rushed to their house. The way Garcia silently broke once he told her the news and how she started frantically mumbling something about needing cabbage leaves and ice packs before breaking into heart-wrenching sobs.

Other than that, he really knows nothing.

"Mom wants to know what she can do." Derek Morgan wanders in from the outside. "I told her that we would let her handle the funeral planning other than the basic decisions. I know I didn't ask you but I don't think any of us are really in the space to do this and the coroner needs decisions because the autopsy will be done soon enough."

"Can you not mention that?" Reid curls up on the hotel bed. "It's a thought that I don't want. Just…no."

"Sorry. Although, I don't like it any more than you do. We just need to start thinking of these things. Like burial or cremation? What funeral home?"

"I thought that was why we were letting your mother handle everything. " Reid sits up. "God, I hate hotels."

Since losing the baby, they've only been home once to get clothes before going to a hotel. The fifteen minutes there had been pure hell. They had bought the converted high school when Garcia had been pregnant- a thirteen thousand square foot home- a place for their hopes and dreams. Now, it just seems big and empty, more so now than it had ever been when she had been there.

He inhales slowly and then exhales. After pausing, he does this again.

"I'm sorry. Snapping at you like that was uncalled for. I suppose I'm just a bit on edge." He begins to pace. "Times like this really made me wish I smoked. "

"We're all upset. I mean- our daughter just up and died suddenly. Six month old babies do not die mysteriously." Morgan sits on the edge of the bed, watching Reid pace.

"Sometimes they do. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome can happen without warning. If that's what it was, I mean. It could have been a problem with her heart. Something Penn took without realizing it was in her breast milk. A virus…"

"I think we can rule out contaminated breast milk. Come on! You know how careful she is with everything. I couldn't even get her to take Theraflu and she had doctor approval." Morgan sighs.

**XxX**

"I don't know where he is." Reid settles down. "Probably going to the funeral home with Fran? They're trying to pick an urn. Or maybe it's a casket? They weren't sure."

"And you didn't go with them?" JJ asks, sitting beside him.

"I can't do it. She can't be gone. My princess can't be gone. It's all got to be some crazy nightmare." He bites down on his lip until he tastes blood. "You know I was the last one to hold her right?"

"No, I didn't know that." Gently, JJ eases her arm around him.

"I don't remember what happened. But I naturally wasn't a big sleeper so I took the middle of the night feeds. She was starting to phase them out but that night, she was a little fussier than usual. I remember that much. Derek wanted to let me sleep but I knew that we had an early morning. So, I told him to go back to sleep…." His words drift off. "That's all I remember."

"It'll come back one day." JJ gazes down to his hands. "What are you holding?"

"It's the blanket from her crib." He reveals the pink cashmere. "We spent way too much on it- like six hundred dollars but I figured that it would be a splurge that lasted her." Bringing the soft blanket to his nose, he inhales, taking in the gentle scent of organic citrus baby shampoo. "We're burying her with her bunny. Or cremating her… The cashmere one that Rossi gave us? It never left her side. That was the reason we got this. It was the matching blanket and nothing was too good for our girl." He looks at JJ. "Does it make me a monster that I can't cry?"

"No, of course not, Spencer…we all grieve in our own ways. Some people cry. Others don't. "She rubs soothing circles around his back.

The room door opens. Morgan and his mother walk in. Reid can tell they've been crying from their tell-tale red rimmed eyes.

"Remember the music box Penn gave her when she was born?" Morgan asks, dabbing his eyes with a tissue.

"It plays some Beatles song. It's the only thing puts her to sleep when she's fussy. I mean- it did." A look of fresh pain crosses his face. "Why?"

"We're cremating her. And then they had a beautiful pink wooden urn that was a music box. It plays Brahms' lullaby." Fran sighs, leaning against the door frame. "Until today, I didn't know that they made urns that small. Breaks my heart even more..."

"It sounds lovely," JJ comments. "I can leave." She goes to stand.

"Please don't." The words catch in Reid's throat. "Just don't," For some reason, he's finding a lot of comfort in JJ's presence.

"Can you two go check on Penn?" Morgan asks. "Mom and I still have a few more arrangements to make and I really need someone to make sure she's alright since she just wants to be alone."

Reid nods.


	2. Chapter 2

Holding On

Disclaimer: You recognize them, I don't own them.

"Why was her name Sadie?" JJ tries to break the silence in the car. "I mean…if you don't mind answering. "

"She was supposed to be Sarah. Derek wanted a princess and Penn wanted her name to reflect that. Yet, she was almost born in an elevator and the first time we held her, she had this spunky look to her. She wasn't demure enough to be Sarah so we looked at the books and found her name." As much as Reid tries, he can't bring himself to use her name.

Using her name in the past tense was just too difficult.

"Sadie Jay. Such a pretty name…" JJ drifts off mid-sentence.

Silent, Reid reaches over and grips her hand.

JJ pulls into a space just in front of Garcia's building.

Reid reaches the gate. Hitting her buzzer, he waits. Then, after getting no response, he hits it again- longer this time. He knows that she's here- she has to be.

"What?"

"It's Spencer and JJ. Derek wanted us to see how you're doing."

"I'll buzz you in. Let yourself in."

The gate buzzes as Reid pushes it open and walks in.

A sob catches in his throat. He swallows it down. This isn't the time to cry. If Penn sees him crying, it will only make a difficult situation even worse.

"It's not a bad thing to cry." JJ squeezes his hand. "It really isn't,"

"Now isn't the time to." This is the only response that seems appropriate.

As they enter her apartment, Reid can't help but notice how disheveled Garcia looks. Her normally neat hair is everywhere. Her eyes are red-rimmed from crying. She's also wearing what appears to be a white XXXL –sized men's button down shirt. Only the buttons just under her cleavage are done.

"Sorry for the mess," Garcia mumbles half-heartedly. "And excuse the way I'm dressed. This was our shirt. The nights she'd spend with me, this is what I would wear to make nursing easier. I figure that now that I'm weaning, I might as well be comfortable and this provides…" She shakes her head. "Never mind. I'm rambling." She pulls a towel-wrapped ice pack from the top of her chest and throws it across the room. It bounces off the wall with a loud thunk.

"How are you doing?" JJ sits on the couch. "We haven't heard much from you."

"Just really want to be alone. There's not really much to say. I went to bed two nights ago a happy mom looking forward to my weekend alone with my baby and then woke up the mom of a dead baby. I mean…" She drifts off. "It's not fair."

"No, it isn't." Reid speaks without thinking. "Not in the slightest. " He exhales slowly. "But you don't have to grieve alone."

"I am a hormonal nut. Being alone was better for us all." She sits down, picking up a pair of knitting needles. Frantically, she knits as she talks. "Knitting's keeping me semi-calm. She'll at least have a blanket with her. Wasn't what I imagined when I bought this yarn." She winces, her arm brushing against her chest.

Reid is at a loss for words. He knows that nothing he can say will make Garcia feel better. The pain they share is universal but he senses that Penelope is in more pain than him.

"The doctor says all I can do is try to get my milk to go away. Cabbage leaves, ice packs, Tylenol, etc. That's why I've been alone." She sighs, setting her knitting aside. "I miss her more than I ever thought possible."

Reid nods.

"So do I." He closes his eyes, trying to focus on his choice of words. "She was here six months. I can't remember how we lived before her."

"And I can't imagine how we're going to live after her." Garcia stares toward the ceiling. "Seriously, Spencer, I can't imagine how I'm going to wake up tomorrow and know that our Sadie isn't here. That it will be a very long time before I get to see her again. If I get to at all- that is." Shaking violently, she picks up her needles and begins knitting again.

"Come with us back to the hotel. I don't think any of us should be alone right now." Reid extends his hand. "You don't have to grieve alone. No matter what you're going through, you know Derek and I have your back. You're family and this is what family does in hard time. We stick together."

**XxX**

"I'm really not hungry," Garcia grumbles, picking at the piece of vegan pizza. "How can I focus on food at a time like this?" She sighs, frantically groping for her knitting. "I've got one day to get this finished. I can eat once it's done. She's not going anywhere without a blanket and her bunny. I insist."

"And that's okay, Baby Girl," Morgan assures her. "The service is tomorrow." He throws his pen down in a fit of frustration. "How can I write a eulogy for my six month old daughter? I feel like I can't really say much other than she slept a lot and was starting to develop into a little person."

"Then, say that." Reid looks up from his writing. "It's what I'm saying. Do you want a sneak peek of what I'm writing?"

"If you want to, I don't mind listening." Garcia looks up. "Talking helps to quiet my brain."

_Sadie was a baby like many other babies. She enjoyed her strained plums and hated peas. We couldn't feed her peas without wearing them. I couldn't help but agree with her. I like peas about as much as I like spinach. So ,I only made her eat peas when Derek forced me to under the guise of they were good for her._

_She slept a lot like any new baby. It wasn't always fun for me when I just wanted to hold her but we learned to adapt. I can't tell you how many times I'd strap her into her sling and just walk around town. She slept and I got to enjoy my time with her. Or the nights when she got super fussy… I would take off my shirt and let her fall asleep against my chest. I think it comforted her to know she wasn't alone at night._

_Sadie had the honor of being the recipient of my first diaper change. Practically thirty and I never learned how to change a diaper. The first time was a bit of a disaster but I quickly learned how she liked it. She hated A*D Ointment but loved the all organic special diaper rash crème. _

_She was a baby but she was one of the most fun, most unique babies I've ever seen. I feel that in the six months we had with her, we could definitely see the kind of person she'd become. Looking at her late at night, I couldn't help but think she'd be as quirky as her mama with the strength and perseverance of her daddies._

_Though we'll miss her, we'll all be better because she was here. I certainly my life will never be the same. I never knew a twenty pound baby girl could steal my heart. And I love her for it. Sadie, you will never be truly gone from our hearts but we always miss and love you. _

_Daddy Spencer loves you, Little Princess. _


	3. Chapter 3

Holding on

Part three

Disclaimer: If you recognize them, I don't own them.

The funeral was today.

Spencer Reid isn't sure how he survived but he did and it was a miracle.

The funeral lunch is still happening but Reid can't stand being around people. It was all he could do to get through the service.

With a heart full of hurt, he approaches the nursery.

It has been two days since He smelled her fragile baby scent. It was funny to him … How could you miss the smell of baby formula?

Standing in the closet, he reaches for the first thing he can find. It's a cashmere blanket. Slowly, he brings it to his nose and inhales. It's the first time he's ever noticed that she smells like citrus.

It's citrus And Lavender and something he can't quite identify.

"We were beginning to miss you," Morgan walks in. "Why are you in the closet?"

"I was forgetting her smell," Reid says matter-of-factly. "I never knew That I could miss her as much as I do." He reaches out, blindly grabbing for Morgan's hand. Finding it, Reid squeezes.

"It happens." Morgan is at a loss for words. "That sounds awful but..."

"I don't think so." Reid clears space on the floor And sits down. "Join me?"

"Only for you would I go back in the closet." Morgan sits beside him. He intertwines their fingers.

"We're going to survive this, right?" Read glances over, searching for an answer in his love's face. "I can't lose both of you."

"Pretty boy, I'm not going anywhere. I love you." Morgan sighs. "Not Sure how but we will… I promise." He leans over, pausing. Gently, he pecks Reid on the lips. It's the first kiss they've shared since Sadie.

"Did you know someone so small could steal your heart?" Reid asks, fingering a onesie with his free hand. He notices a small cashmere bunny."I was so sure that would be her lovey." He shakes his head.

"I didn't think it was possible to hurt this bad."

"Me neither."

They sit in silence. All they can do is absorb the energy of the baby.

"I never considered this," Reid says, shaking his head."I was planning on Law school."

"She was our miracle," Morgan murmurs. "Something about her was different than other babies."

"Maybe She knew?" Reid Isn't sure he believes this.

"What makes you say that?"

"I just say... I mean do. Maybe she was sad to leave."

All the speculating is doing nothing but agitating their broken hearts.


End file.
